How to Tackle Commitment Issues

Commitment gives stability and purpose to a relationship and is the difference between just casually being together and being a couple. It shows that you view you see a future together and is commonly associated with marriage, or civil partnerships.

However, many people are scared of commitment for a number of different reasons. We will discuss the reasons why this happens and how you can address the situation.

Reasons for commitment phobia

Commitment phobia, or relationship anxiety is a method of controlling your emotions to protect yourself from getting hurt by someone whom you care about. It is a natural reaction to previous relationships; whether that is with family members, or lovers.

Your parents’ relationship is the first romantic relationship that you will bear witness to and it can have a profound impact on your own future relationships. If you saw your parents going through a divorce, it can lead you to believe that love is not everlasting. For someone who grew up with parents who did not divorce, but who are in an unhappy and unstable relationship, it is equally disturbing as they will fear becoming trapped in an unfulfilling relationship themself.

Fear of relationships can also happen later on in life when you form romantic relationships of your own. For example, you might fall deeply in love with someone who leaves you without warning and this causes acute pain that will lead you to become scared about going through this all again. Sadly, the reason for this unexpected ending to the relationship may have been that your former partner had suffered from relationship anxiety and that they were worried that the relationship had become too serious.

How to tackle commitment phobia

The first thing that needs to happen is that you need to realise that you have a problem and to identify what has caused your commitment phobia and what triggers it. In terms of triggers, this could be that you always end a relationship when your partner mentions plans that are more than a year away, or when they mention moving in together. Another trigger could be that you have discovered that they do not meet with your strict criteria, because having very precise expectations of what a partner should be like is another way of avoiding the pain of being dumped.

The next stage is to seek professional help, for example cognitive behavioural therapy can help you to come to terms with your feelings and to address your fears.

If you are unwilling, or unable to access professional help, you can start by writing down a list of all the couples that you know who are in happy and healthy relationships. Think about past relationships that each person within the relationship has had and see that it is possible to move on from unstable relationships into supportive ones. Seeing examples of happy relationships can  help to retrain your brain. Also, when you begin a relationship yourself, try to concentrate on enjoying the moment, rather than worrying about what the future will hold with that person.