Dating Attachment Styles

Your attachment style influences how you behave in a relationship and what type of relationship that you desire. There are three main types of relationship attachment styles – secure, anxious and avoidant.

Attachment styles

Secure

The secure attachment style means that you are comfortable in a relationship, but do not need a relationship to provide reassurance, or to boost your self-esteem.

You are happy to both give and to receive affection, but do not need physical affection to validate your relationship.

‘Secure’ people are able to deal with conflict within a relationship through communication and are able to resolve problems without fear of conflict.

Anxious

People who have an anxious attachment style feel insecure in their relationships and worry that their partner will not return their affections.

Anxious attachment means that you look for constant reassurance in a relationship; whether that is through physical affection, reassuring words or frequent communication.

‘Anxious’ people are quick to get into a relationship and a keen to accelerate the dating process, demanding exclusivity at an early stage.

Avoidant

Avoidant personality types fear that getting too close to someone will lead to rejection, so they are cautious about becoming emotionally attached to people.

Avoidant attachment means that you like to be independent and fear giving up too much in a relationship. You are wary about sharing your feelings and you start to withdraw from a relationship if you feel that your independence is being compromised.

Avoiders are likely to be searching for Mr or Mrs Right and are quick to see faults in other people.

How different relationship types connect

Both ‘anxious’ and ‘avoidant’ types become securely attached when they are in a comfortable and rewarding relationship, but during the dating process they have very different needs.

If you are looking to date an ‘anxious’ person, you will need to share your feelings with them and provide reassurance about the nature of your relationship so that they can relax into the relationship. If you are too distant with an ‘anxious’ person it will encourage them to become clingy.

If you wish to date an ‘avoidant’ type, you will need to take things slowly and not to try to restrict the time that they spend with their friends and family as this will cause them to use defensive strategies such as ignoring you.

‘Secure’ types do not need an special treatment as they are looking to form a relationship, without the desperate need to be with someone.